Nameless Nobody's Guide to Cinema Etiquette
Home Cinema may be the next big thing, in fact it may be the current big thing, but until it addresses one serious flaw it will never truly recreate the cinema-going experience. To that effect I have created the next big advance in DVD technology: RAS, or “RetardAroundSound” to give it its full moniker. Utilising the full power of your Dolby Digital, or DTS, system the cinema-going experience will come alive in the confines of your own home. Gasp, as some fuckleberry opens the world’s crunchiest bag of Kettle Chips and rustles it right beside your fucking ear; Sigh, as a gang of teenage unemployment statistics strike up a full volume conversation during the film’s most pensive moment; Weep, as the simpletons behind you explain to each what’s going on, plotwise, at any particular moment and; Shit, as mobile phone after mobile phone resounds around the auditorium. I have submitted my plans to all the major companies and expect a positive response, particularly as it gives them the opportunity to resell their entire back catalogue to unwary customers. Consider me a pioneer…and don’t say you haven’t been warned!
Actually, consider me pissed off! What has happened to cinema audiences? There was a time when audiences went to the cinema to watch a film in relative silence, and the only time they stirred was to make the appropriate sound at the appropriate moment: cue gasping, laughing, crying, shrieking etc. They were generally a conscientious bunch who were well behaved and genuinely sorry if they disturbed the experience of those around them. They are sorely missed. But, then again, I do drink a lot, so maybe they are a figment of my imagination, or I’m looking into the past through rose-tinted specs! But, things feel different today.
Nowadays, audiences chat, shout, shuffle, slurp and belch their way through the entirety of the film. In fact, in today’s climate, I don’t consider my cinematic experience truly complete until some intellectually deficient chav sears away my retinas as he types a text message into a mobile phone with a display light bright enough to power a solar panel. And woe betide those who even dare to question these people about their behaviour. A recent episode involved a teenager who, upon my polite request for silence, offered me a look of disgust akin to me offering him a freshly laid turd in a box. To say he wasn’t pleased would be an understatement. Cunt!
So, who is to blame for this? God knows. And, frankly, I don’t care. I’m a critic not a social scientist, but I do know this: basic courtesy costs nothing, and usually leaves the recipient feeling better about both themselves and humanity in general! But, for those who don’t understand basic courtesy, here are a few rules that will enhance everybody’s day at “the pictures”:
1) Leave your conversation outside the auditorium. Your friend isn’t going anywhere, so whatever you need to tell them can wait a couple of hours. And if it can’t wait then whisper it. And to those fucktards who feel the need to explain every plot-point to their dimwitted chum/girlfriend/family member: Don’t! If they can’t follow a basic plot, and most Hollywood stuff is pretty basic, then they have no place in the cinema. Frankly, they might be better served by being placed in a small room, sat on a chair, and given a cup with a ball on a string to play with. So, please, just shut up!
2) Turn off your mobile phone. They are no longer status-symbols. They are just plain annoying. So are you for texting your friend in the middle of a darkened auditorium. You are a twat. Get out! Ditto cubed for those engaged in mobile phone conversation.
3) Eat with your mouth closed and stop rustling your snack bag. Major advances in table etiquette mean it is now possible to eat with your mouth closed, amazing but true. Eating with your mouth closed has two benefits: one, the sound of nachos being crushed between your molars is deadened, therefore reducing their ability to distract your fellow cinema-goers; two, eating with your mouth closed prevents your gnarly, nacho cheese ridden breath from stinking up the airspace of those around you.
By following these simple rules everybody can have a good time. And if you don’t shut up, don’t be surprised a nameless nobody ramming his fist down your throat. You have been warned!
Actually, consider me pissed off! What has happened to cinema audiences? There was a time when audiences went to the cinema to watch a film in relative silence, and the only time they stirred was to make the appropriate sound at the appropriate moment: cue gasping, laughing, crying, shrieking etc. They were generally a conscientious bunch who were well behaved and genuinely sorry if they disturbed the experience of those around them. They are sorely missed. But, then again, I do drink a lot, so maybe they are a figment of my imagination, or I’m looking into the past through rose-tinted specs! But, things feel different today.
Nowadays, audiences chat, shout, shuffle, slurp and belch their way through the entirety of the film. In fact, in today’s climate, I don’t consider my cinematic experience truly complete until some intellectually deficient chav sears away my retinas as he types a text message into a mobile phone with a display light bright enough to power a solar panel. And woe betide those who even dare to question these people about their behaviour. A recent episode involved a teenager who, upon my polite request for silence, offered me a look of disgust akin to me offering him a freshly laid turd in a box. To say he wasn’t pleased would be an understatement. Cunt!
So, who is to blame for this? God knows. And, frankly, I don’t care. I’m a critic not a social scientist, but I do know this: basic courtesy costs nothing, and usually leaves the recipient feeling better about both themselves and humanity in general! But, for those who don’t understand basic courtesy, here are a few rules that will enhance everybody’s day at “the pictures”:
1) Leave your conversation outside the auditorium. Your friend isn’t going anywhere, so whatever you need to tell them can wait a couple of hours. And if it can’t wait then whisper it. And to those fucktards who feel the need to explain every plot-point to their dimwitted chum/girlfriend/family member: Don’t! If they can’t follow a basic plot, and most Hollywood stuff is pretty basic, then they have no place in the cinema. Frankly, they might be better served by being placed in a small room, sat on a chair, and given a cup with a ball on a string to play with. So, please, just shut up!
2) Turn off your mobile phone. They are no longer status-symbols. They are just plain annoying. So are you for texting your friend in the middle of a darkened auditorium. You are a twat. Get out! Ditto cubed for those engaged in mobile phone conversation.
3) Eat with your mouth closed and stop rustling your snack bag. Major advances in table etiquette mean it is now possible to eat with your mouth closed, amazing but true. Eating with your mouth closed has two benefits: one, the sound of nachos being crushed between your molars is deadened, therefore reducing their ability to distract your fellow cinema-goers; two, eating with your mouth closed prevents your gnarly, nacho cheese ridden breath from stinking up the airspace of those around you.
By following these simple rules everybody can have a good time. And if you don’t shut up, don’t be surprised a nameless nobody ramming his fist down your throat. You have been warned!
posted by The Nothing Man at 29.11.06
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