Celebrities and altered reality

If I ran up to you in the street with a steaming piece of shit in my hand and said, "You absolutely need this, it's the latest big thing for the home," you would probably be well within your rights to beat me to the ground with a stick and brand me a cunt. But one thing is for sure, you certainly wouldn't take the piece of shit off my hands.

And yet, if a celebrity came running up to many people with that turd in hand, there are some out there who would chow down on the thing if the celebrity told them to. You all know who you are!

What is it with celebrity and the modern world's reaction to it? At work the other week, a rather silly girl mentioned with some excitement that Matt Willis had won I'm a Celebrity....

My response was - who?

Who the fuck is Matt Willis? And why is this girl so excited about it?

Did she know Matt Willis personally? No. And yet her excitement was unbelievable. Christ, I've had girls react with less excitement whilst I've been going down on them. What the fuck? And she wasn't the only one reacting like this... there are millions of them out there!

It is exactly these same tubesteaks who made Jade Goody a millionaire and buy celebrity magazines by the truckload if some bozo who once won a reality show is on the cover.

What ever happened to hard work, talent, and application? Once upon a time if you wanted to get to the top being beautiful wasn't enough, being in the right place at the right time wasn't enough, being a great publicity whore wasn't enough, you had to have the talent, charisma and application to make it. Now, if you suck cock on Youtube you're a star by lunchtime.

It isn't right.

I'm sick of hearing about reality show chavs in newspapers and magazines. I want to live my life free from having to hear about some mongoloid fuck from reality shows past vomiting in a z-list club in front of greasy paparazzi lowlifes.

And to ensure this happens I'm starting my own reality show which is called Celebrity Death Island. Anybody who has ever appeared on a reality TV show, or even applied to be on one, is put on Anthrax Island. They have to get off that island alive. And preventing them from doing that is a crack Brazilian death squad, you know the kind I mean, the nasty squalid fuckers whose speciality is killing street kids by crushing their heads with paving slabs. These unpleasant fuckers are given high powered weaponry, a licence to kill, and a bounty for each celebrity that gets whacked.

I'm not sure whether it will take off, but I firmly believe it is the future of light entertainment.

And it might strike a blow for those of us who believe that being famous should be as a result of real talent and hard work rather than because you said something really stupid on public television once.